Satisfied

I was born with growling digestive juices in my mind.

No matter how much was fed me, sensory input streaming in, crammed into my synapses, I still craved more. I had wondered sometimes if it was possible for me to reach saturation, a point of satisfaction where I'm not grasping for more. Like someone starving, I was always occupied by the securing of my next mental meal, and yet, when I got it, it was swallowed whole, in big painful lumps, as I was already out of the moment and looking for more.

I have no idea what kind of psychological dysfunction gives birth to such brain binging, but this extreme hunger has been a mixed blessing all my life. I have experienced so much in my quest, but quantity sometimes overpowered quality when I couldn't process the incredible amount of input I was receiving.

Being a stay at home mom has helped immeasurably. It was the equivalent of sitting at a beautiful, crystal-lit table all in white, with gorgeous presentation and thoughtful portions, served one course at a time. I was forced to be in the moment. Never in twenty of my previous lifetimes would I have understood what this qualitative breathing space would do for me.

I've realized that there is a delicate balance between opportunities for growth and space for mental digestion. There must be time to reflect, time to step back outside of the process of progression to remember what we are becoming. Again, motherhood offered the perfect meditative backdrop. My children are constantly taking me back to the beginning, which is also the end.

Last week, for the first time in my life, I realized I've hit it. I am saturated. I am satisfied. Not that I'm done learning, but I'm done grasping and cramming. What's on my plate is enough. I have things worth pondering and time to ponder it in.

This is not at all the direction I was planning on taking this, but as I wrote I just can't help but learn again that motherhood is what has done this for me. I am so grateful, not just for my children but for the plan of happiness that made me a mother. It has brought me back to the place where I hunger and thirst no more.