I haven't been feeling well lately. I have no energy, and the times I would have spent reading, writing, thinking, creating, have been replaced by sleeping. Sometimes I even fall asleep when my children are still awake, and then jerk back to life, feeling guilty and afraid. But all day, all I want to do is sleep. At Trevor's insistence, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with post-partum hypothyroidism. Some of it's symptoms include fatigue, depression, hair loss, and weight gain. How many "post partum" diseases are there? I thought I already dealt with the only post partum disease out there.
Fortunately, treatment is simple: a straightforward synthetic hormone that simply replaces the hormone your body should be producing and is not. The downside is that it takes between three and six weeks before the symptoms of hypothyroidism subside. I have been taking the hormone for 10 days. Since taking the replacement, I have crazy dreams every night. The most regular visitor in my dreams is a small rooster.
I run beside him, but my existence is irrelevant to him. In a manner that is familiar only to those who dream, he is a rooster but has eerily lost so many of his roosterly qualities. His gait is almost mechanical in it's regularity, fast but not erratic. He doesn't make noise or startle at the noises around him. His steady plodding regularizes the world, but I am still wild with emotion. I must go faster. How can I go faster? I must breathe deeper, pump my arms harder, launch off of each stride more quickly. What can I do to go faster? Where is the finish line? He cannot get by me.
I have lost myself. Where did I go? Did I lose myself when I stopped doing what I usually do, or did I somehow simply stop being what I inherently was? No one outside my house notices a difference, but I am not myself. I am quick to anger; the house is not too clean, the dishes are not all done. Things with deadlines get done. Diapers get done, children get fed. And every night I sleep.
Where is the finish line? He will never stop. Haven't I spent my all? I can't keep running. How do I keep running?
In the breath between sleep and wakefulness, I know the rooster represents my health. Such an interesting balancing act, our souls. Our behavior is such a delicate dance, a give and take partnership between our bodies and our spirits. Is it more excusable to behave poorly when our bodies are not functioning properly? No, but I believe it is more understandable.
Things with deadlines get done. I am a Relief Society teacher, and my lesson has a deadline. I have been studying the upcoming lesson, which is on repentance.
This time there are people cheering me. I still don't see the finish line, but I can go faster. I'm not yet fast enough, but I can go faster. I see the finish line and lengthen my stride.
In my studying, I found this quote by Richard G. Scott from a talk entitled, "The Path to Peace and Joy":
Each one of us is commanded to both repent and to call upon God continually throughout life. That pattern allows each day to be an unspoiled page in the book of life, a new, fresh opportunity. We are given the rejuvenating privilege of overcoming mistakes of commission or omission, be they small or profoundly serious. Full repentance results in forgiveness with spiritual renewal. One can feel the cleansing, the purity, the freshness that accompanies sincere repentance at any time in life.This is not a new concept to me, but it struck me newly. Repentance is not just for serious transgression. It is a path to peace and joy, a gift any time we need to draw nearer to the Lord and receive of an increase in His strength. We should desire these things constantly: we should repent constantly. Maybe, like plagues and famines, hypothyroidism is just a call to repentance. Sometimes I think the Lord gives us our challenges as long as there is still something to be learned from them.
Last night, with everyone in my dreams cheering me on, I caught the rooster.
