My Own Adventure

Last night, I was sitting in bed reading blogs of loved ones far away.

Trevor has two siblings that are spending a year abroad for their studies. Both are married, and keep us posted via that wonderful invention, the blog. Both are waiting to start their families until they return home and are living their couplehood to the hilt, enjoying their time with each other as they take full advantage of their exotic adventures.

To be quite frank, as I read I was getting a wee bit jealous. I knew that we made the right decision to have our children when we did, and I am passionately in love with my kids, but the What Ifs were dancing around my head. What If we had waited a bit longer to have kids? What If we had gone on our own exotic adventure, or even just traveled while living here, childless and fancy free? What If we had been able to spend that much time with each other, learning and experiencing new places and cultures? Confident, however, that even if I followed the What Ifs my decision would ring true, I walked down that windy path. This is where my What-Ifs left me:

We would have had a wonderful time. There is no doubt we would have thoroughly enjoyed that time together.

We would probably have a lot more money.

All our lives we would have been able to draw from those experiences.

And yet I feel so, so, grateful for the guidance of the spirit. I understand that every couple is in a different situation and may receive a different answer to this question. I am sharing how grateful I am that I followed my answer. I will have just as much time for that form of exploration as they will, I have just done it in a different order, and that, for me, is a blessing.

For me, being a mother sooner has meant more time with my children. It occurred to me that if, theoretically, we all live 80 years and spend 25 of those years rearing children, the only thing that will be different is where those 25 years are placed in the life span and how much of our life we get to spend with our children. I will still have plenty of time with Trevor, plenty of time for adventure, but it will just be after our kids are grown. The difference, however, is that in choosing to have our family sooner, every year we didn't wait is an extra year that we will be able to enjoy our children (and grandchildren, Trevor adds). I wouldn't trade that away for all the spice of India.

For me, being a mother sooner has meant more bonding with Trevor, not less. We have found more mutual delight in our children than anything else we have ever experienced. If we do have less time together, we also certainly treasure the time we have more. There will be time for adventure later, and our relationship will be richer and the time more meaningful because of our shared history as parents.

For me, being a mother sooner has meant more years of meaningful introspection and self-improvement. Some people need that extra time before children to find themselves. I needed motherhood to find myself.

Before I had children, and especially before I was married, I was so hell-bent on experiencing life to the fullest that I stuffed it with every good and appealing thing. I was happy, but I don't think I had much true joy. I wasn't actually digesting anything I was doing because I was too busy doing it. What a marvel it was to me when I had Rylan. Life slowed down and suddenly I had time to think, time to savor. Impressions that came to me became lasting impressions because I had more time to fully act on them. I finally understood what it was to ponder because there was enough stillness in my life to do so.

Suddenly, the consequences of my actions were amplified. As queen of my home and caretaker of this child, I molded the spiritual environment he was nurtured in. Suddenly, being in a bad mood didn't only affect me. It affected an innocent baby, who unlike Trevor wasn't an emotionally independent adult. Being angry, or impatient, or unkind had a formative impact on him. Motherhood formed a magnifying mirror and I saw all the blemishes in my behavior up close and personal. I also saw how much love I was capable of, and it gave me hope, and a greater understanding of the Atonement.

Having my family sooner means my life is more focused on the plan of salvation. I have become convinced that there is divine intent in the pace of motherhood. Though our hands are often busy, our minds are often left free. Many women (myself included) have complained about this from time to time, but I think the Lord knew we would need all of our mental faculties available to focus on teaching our children the essential principles they need to know to reach their full potential in this crazy world. Teaching my young children about who they are and where they can go is a constant reminder to myself of my own eternal nature.

Motherhood has changed who I am, and I like the change. Even if I had had adventures that I could have thought back on for an extra two decades, I feel like I've had a head start on becoming who I was meant to be-- not just something to draw on in an anecdote here or an experience there. It is the foundation of everything I will do for the rest of my life. And I like the way that looks.

It's a beautiful thing when the path of What Ifs leaves you so aware of the tendermercies of a loving Father in Heaven.

I am so grateful.