To do is to be, to be is to do, do be do be do

This is a fragment of a post I started writing more than a year ago. I know it's very incomplete, and I can't remember all the conceptual links that tied all these things together (that which came together "while I was cleaning the bathrooms"). I still find it fascinating enough to post. I believe it is addressing how I became an introvert after being married, and how it went from healthy introversion to unhealthy introversion. I'm not 100% sure how the title relates, but wondering is evocative if nothing else. 

That was the quote on one of my favorite t-shirts in high school. I haven't thought about that shirt in ages, and here I am quoting it.

I went to a dinner party the other night, and sat next to a very affable and engaging couple who we had never met. I had a wonderful time and we laughed and had stimulating conversation until we regretfully looked at the clock and headed home to pay the babysitter.

All of these things came together today while I was cleaning the bathrooms.

But something subtle and sneaky and sad happened in the following years. When did I go from seeking the peace that comes from space and self-reflection and begin merely avoiding the anxiety of wondering what others were thinking of me? When did I go from seeking something wholesome and positive to merely avoiding my own self-inflicted anxieties? And how on earth did I manage to convince myself all along that they were the same thing? I lost part of my self when I did so. I lost the part of me that takes simple joy in coming to know another individual. How strange that I simply traded being afraid to be by myself for being afraid of being around others. I suppose it's not such a far leap. Both are rooted in an unhealthy dependence on others for my sense of worth.